early-onset-of-night:

Ted Nugent Wins Coveted Dork of The Month Award For April

In a very small ceremony held in my apartment yesterday, Ted Nugent was proclaimed Dork of the Month by me, Michael Kindt. There were no other attendees. Three celebratory old fashioneds were consumed, followed by a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The proceedings concluded around 11:30 PM, when I dozed off on the couch while reading a National Geographic.

I would like to congratulate “the Nuge” on this triumph. The Dork of the Month Award has long been dominated by Rick Santorum, but he is currently busy fading into obscurity.

Most recently, “the Nuge” caught a lot of hell when he said at an NRA rally that he will either be dead or in jail after Obama’s victory in November. He also said at the same event that “We need to ride into that battlefield and chop their heads off.” No word on whether he was wearing animal skins and wielding a stone ax.

Lots of people made fun of him for his hyperbole, rightly so. The prostitute-loving Secret Service even paid him a visit. “The Nuge” defended himself on Right Wing Radio, bemoaning, “I’m a black Jew at a Nazi-Klan Rally!”

The poor guy.

The Secret Service determined that “the Nuge” was just talking out his butt. No big whoop. They concluded there was no real threat. He was just exercising his God-given right to say creepy things about a Democratic president. Very little, if anything, should happen to him. I mean, it’s not like he’s the Dixie Chicks, who said back in ‘03, “We do not want this war, this violence, and are ashamed that the President of The United States is from Texas.” That treasonous little outburst resulted in the Chicks receiving on-air death threats, being labelled as traitors, and having their music pulled from radio play. The Chicks, though, were women and should’ve known their place. Plus, they were criticizing war (America’s pastime) and a white Republican president. They deserved what they got.

About the only thing that will happen to “the Nuge” is that he has been uninvited to perform at an upcoming military concert at Fort Knox. The soldiers who would’ve been attending all erupted into sighs of relief upon hearing the news.

“The Nuge” does a lot of stupid crap, thus the award. He can’t really help it. He’s a Right Wing Whack Job after all. Back in 2010, he had his hunting license revoked in California for illegally baiting and killing deer. On the 14th of this month, he admitted to illegally killing and transporting a bear while in Alaska. In addition to a $10,000 fine, he must create a 30-to-60 second public service announcement about responsible hunting to run on his tv show “The Spirit of the Wild” every other week. He is also banned from hunting or fishing anywhere in Alaska or on any U.S. Forest Service land nationwide for a year.

The sentence caused “the Nuge” to throw a tantrum on his Twitter: “The evil corrupt gvt thugs make me stronger evryday. ThankU goofballs. The whole world sux but America sux less but we’re catchin up with the commies.”

I believe that my bestowing of the coveted Dork of the Month Award upon “the Nuge” will serve as a wake-up call, will help him open his eyes and see the weirdness of his ways. Clearly, he has severe issues. Often, he brags of never having taken a drink or tried a drug in his life, proving beyond any doubt that he is tragically under-medicated.

I enjoy helping people, even ones like “the Nuge”. After all, a man never stands so tall as when he stoops to help a child.

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Totally just made my morning.